Identity

So we get deep…… Maybe? Maybe it doesn’t go as far as I think it might or could. But either way, one thing I have been forced to examine through the injury is… my identity.

Now, I am not attaching any modern notions to the term identity. I am not interested in getting into a pronoun discussion or anything like that. I am more curious about peeling away layers of what has influenced me over the years and how that has compounded into a complex mess of a man, lmao.

So first and foremost, I want to peel away the layer of “Runner guy”. This is the easiest, and likely the layer that is closest to the surface, and one that IMMEDIATELY got called into question the second I snapped my leg. I have invested a lot of time, a lot of energy, a ton of money into the activity of running. Whether on pavement, dirt, or mountains, I prioritized time running above most things. I was never the guy to win races, or even be front of mid pack. And to me that was and is ok. I ran first because I appreciated the time to deal with the noise in my brain. I could process, reprocess and repeat the cycle as many times as I needed. Secondly, I ran because I am a MASSIVE fan of the sport and the evolution of it. I love seeing mom’s and dad’s jog a turkey trot, I love seeing Kipchoge chase the sub 2hr marathon, I LOVE watching long endurance runs where people are defying odds.

As soon as I heard that leg snap, and yes….. I heard it break, I will never forget that sound, I knew running (for now) is done. I was in the middle of training for an upcoming 50k, the Chuckanut 50k in Bellingham. So, training is done… What is that going to do to my identity? Who am I going to be without running for a period of time? Well for starters, I had to quickly come to terms with if that is all of who I am, then I am over. If I am more than running, then this is just a moment of time where I need to dust off some other aspects of who I am. But, I must acknowledge, that maybe one of the reasons why I put so much outbound energy into running, meaning what I share on social, how I dress with certain brands, what I choose to talk about, etc etc. is primarily because I deeeeeeply what to inspire people to live a more active life. Movement IS life. So this “calling” I feel around inspiring movement wont end or be limited to running depending on my ability to do so, but will begin to expand into other activities to demonstrate how an active / endurance minded life can look like, especially during a phase of recovery.

Now onto another layer… “Professional Andy”. Aka - what I do for work. During the pandemic we (the family) decided to pick up and leave the Portland area. A place I thought would be home forever… maybe this is a topic for another time…? Anyway, we left, hit the road in a van, and long story short, ended up in a little mountain / lake town in North Idaho, Coeur d’Alene. With this transition of home location, it also forced a shift in career. I decided to leave a company that I had wanted to work for my entire life, and once given the chance of a lifetime, never thought I would end up leaving on my own, especially so quickly into my tenure. While the company itself was FAR from perfect, the mission statement I bought hook, line and sinker - “Make Sport A Daily Habit”. And here is where the problem rests…

I am too deeply connected to the work I do, for better or worse. And I am too concerned for the wellbeing of the people I do the work with. Since leaving my previous company, where there was a sense of “family”, obviously loose terms, but that was present. Fast forward to where I am today, almost exactly 2 years into working for my new employer, and I have not had a SINGLE DAY of peace. I have woken up dreading walking across the hallway of my house, into what has felt like a cage, a converted bedroom into office… where I log into virtual calls, make plans in isolation, and basically just exist distant and anxious. THIS HAS TO CHANGE. I don’t have a roadmap. Companies are starting to reverse remote options into hybrid or fulltime back in office, which by way of where I live now, is basically impossible. But how sad and desperate is it that there are days where I would rather be offered a severance than to log into the next soul sucking meeting? But unfortunately, my personality will NOT allow myself to decouple work and personal fulfillment. So this is an identity piece that has been uncovered, but yet to be resolved.

IF ANYONE HAS READ TO THIS POINT, AND HAS A PERSPECTIVE / CAREER COACHING ADVISE, I AM ALL EARS! Maybe I start something. Become an entrepreneur? There is a brand idea that has simmered for years… I need to channel a self-start mode and flip that switch on…

Then there is the husband / father layer of my identity. As I navigate this injury, and intake nothing, and I mean nothing, that would detract from full healing, one thing has really stood out… the slow pace has forced me to become more aware of moments that I have previously missed. And by missed, I mean, internally I have not been happy. I have been really struggling since our move, new job, etc etc and I began to too frequently find escape mechanisms to turn down volume nobs that I felt were overwhelming to me. To name those mechanisms, alcohol in particular, was something I became too comfortable with. And I am embarrassed to even admit that. But I will not live in shame. So how does any of this relate to the layer of identity attached to husband / father? Let me explain.

I am watching every drop that enters my mouth right now. Healing a tibia and some bone in my ankle requires a lot of energy and nutrients. So having a beer is out of the question. It’s a hard no for me. And that resolution came so easily and quick for me as soooooon as I broke my leg. Wild. But 24hrs prior to that, it would have been a regular thing. Most evenings. Maybe 1 but probably 2. And we know math is hard so 2 could equal more if the day sucked enough… But in order for me to “wind down” and numb the chaos in my head, I sacrificed time with my family. I wasn’t present to enjoy the things they enjoyed. I am not going to belabor this much further. The point is, what I thought I was gaining, “peace of mind” I was actually getting more anxiety. What I thought I was receiving were moments of “protecting myself” I was actually sacrificing precious moments with my family.

I am not at a point to dive into a “relationship with alcohol” conversation. But I am at a point to dive into “living a more present life as a husband / father”. Since forcing myself “dry” due to healing, I have found I am much more attentive, playing more video games with my son, talking sports with my oldest daughter, laughing and learning with my middle kid… I am realizing there is so much more that I missed out on simply because I was being selfish. My “identity” is NOTHING without my family. Period. Full stop. On God.

Lastly, and I am going to keep this one brief, a “man of faith”. The circumstances surrounding the accident, the community coming around me and my family during this time, it is impossible to not see the fingerprint of the Devine on this one. I have many friends who come from a multitude of journeys and perspectives, so I am going to simply say, if you want to have a deeper discussion about this one in particular, hit me up. I am an open book, but I would rather have a discussion than force a narrative through some poor writing.

In closing, because this already feels so long lol, this whole identity conversation with myself will be an ongoing discussion. I desire to live a self-aware life, or at the very least, attempt to… And there are many more layers to identity than what I have listed above. But these are top of mind and what I am currently navigating through.

Anyway, that is all for now.