Feeling Stuck
Me, Andy Zielinski, do not possess patience. I never have. I remember bugging my parents to hurry to hustle me off to a practice, or show up to school almost an hour early because if I wasn’t early, I was late. I also don’t enjoy not having many options. Maybe that is why I am a borderline hoarder lmao. I collect all the stupid things; shoes, hats, cameras, backpacks (no seriously… I have like 10 backpacks. Selling some off recently, but yeah, you get the point).
As I sit here about a week and a half out of breaking my leg and surgery, I am still in bed asking allllll of the questions. I think there have been moments where I saw some hope to this whole leg break thing. I think within those moments of hope I was excited to learn, my wife was excited for change and my kids felt my sense of inspiration coming out of a thing like this. Today, however, feels different.
I can’t seem to shake the negativity of work and meanwhile, I am getting some leads outside of where I am currently. But those leads are starting to show more hurdles than promise. This continues to call into question; what am I SUPPOSED TO DO??? Too much of my personality, passion and intention gets wrapped into what I do and who I work with, and when in a toxic environment I am currently in, it feels suffocating. This comes out in negative ways with my family as you can imagine. Not terrible, but I just get moody. So to unlock my personal vocation, if there is such a thing anymore, seems to be a continual chase for me. Why can’t I just be content? Why can’t I just double down where I am? Why am I the way I am….?
“Confirming you are back in the game.”
On Monday, my boss checked in with me early in the day. I think it was around 7am on Slack. She knew my situation, she approved (probably reluctantly) my “sick time off” request, after my surgery. So she was checking in like a good manager would. Slack read: “Confirming you are back in the game.” I sat there in disbelief. Yes, I was going to log in, participate in meetings with my screen off, do my work, but to be asked out of allllll of the things I could have been asked by my manager, “Confirming you are back in the game.” This might have been the final nail in the coffin. And while I don’t have a next thing, and the journey feels fraught with blockers and relocations that are well welcomed in the family conversation…. I remain feeling stuck…
I am trying to learn. I am wanting to learn. But today I am frustrated by the sum of it all. I am tired. I not wanting to push much harder or further right now. It is really tempting to quit. Quit my job, quit trying to remain hopeful, quit asking questions I don’t seem to get answers to, quit dreaming all together. …… I know I can’t. I know I won’t. But today, I am tired, annoyed and I don’t want to talk to anyone lol.
Thats it for now
